what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
