i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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