I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
