Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize