Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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