If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize