I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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