god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
