During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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