So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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