First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
