just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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