Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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