Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
