note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
