you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
