I wish I only lived at night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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