woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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