If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
