True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize