Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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