actually, I'm a sock model
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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