her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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