remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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