just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
