Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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