Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
