I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
