I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
