i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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