just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
