just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am midnight drunk by noon
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
