My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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