Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize