I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
