new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
