I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
