Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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