dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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