I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
