textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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