I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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