I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
