She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
