operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
