Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
