just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
