There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He better not be in your backpack
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
