guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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