Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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