Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
