God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize