As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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