Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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