Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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