between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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