so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
