Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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