Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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