the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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