Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
