remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
