what if every blade of grass was a penis?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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