Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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