I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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